This post was written by Christine of Life’s Special Necessities. She’s a homeschooling, special needs mom of seven kids and has some great advice for what to do when Christmas isn’t joyful for your child.
My favorite time of year is Christmas. I love the lights, the food, the festivities and the memories with family. The busyness doesn’t really bother me. In fact, I kind of love it, even if I complain about it on occasion. My kids, on-the-other-hand, don’t always share my enthusiastic views on Christmas.
They love Christmas in small doses with a lot less pageantry. As you might guess, this can cause some pretty big hiccups in our happy holiday if we let it. So what do you do when Christmas isn’t joyous for your child?
Do A Little Prep Work
As parents, we do a great job of checking off all the items on our Christmas prep list. We work so hard to have a plan to get through the holidays smoothly. The one thing that we sometimes forget is that we also need to have a plan for how our children are going to navigate the holiday season. Without this plan in place, all of the other plans may not go quite as well.
Think Like Your Child
You know your child better than anyone. If you take just a minute to view the holidays through his eyes, you will begin to see areas that need a plan. Maybe your child has sensory issues and will not tolerate the handmade Christmas sweater that Aunt Jane made for family photos. Having a plan for this will not only save yourself a meltdown, but also your aunt’s feelings as well.
We know that our daughter cannot handle attending every single event at the holiday season, so we plan respite hours for some of them. We have done this for our son when he was young as well. It may seem mean to leave them out of the holiday memories, but trust me, its one of the most loving things you can do for your child. If going to a holiday event will only send them into a full-blown meltdown, then don’t bring them. You could always bring them something from the event, and do a little celebrating when you get home.
Whatever the issues may be, having a plan for how you will deal with them takes the stress away. None of us would travel to a new place without a GPS, right? So think of this like an emotional GPS – little direction for when you know things could get difficult.
Talk With Relatives
Aunt Jane is going to feel so much better if she doesn’t spend hours making that itchy sweater your son is never going to wear. So have a conversation with her before that happens, assuming you know ahead of time of course. Feelings may still get hurt a little even if you have a talk ahead of time. This is family we are talking about. Feelings sometimes get hurt, but it will be far easier to try and prevent hurt feelings than fix them later.
If you include your relatives in on the plan, they will feel more included. They will also have time to deal with their own disappointments before the festivities begin. Maybe the one thing that makes Aunt Jane’s entire Christmas is seeing all of her nieces and nephews in their freshly knitted attire. If she has time to process this disappointment, maybe she would even have time to knit a cute stuffed animal your child could hold in the photo instead. You just never know how a family member will react, but trust me, having them “in-the-know” is so much better than a nasty surprise.
Have a Plan B, C, D…. and Z
No plan is perfect, right? I can’t tell you just how many times I thought I had all my little duckies in a row, when one or three of those little buggers decides to run right off the grid. When that happens, you have to be able to changes things up.
Just think, you did a wonderful job of preparing for Aunt Jane’s Christmas sweater. She arrived with a cute stuffed bear for your child to hold during the picture. All is right with the world, when suddenly your child runs from the photo shoot screaming because cousin Susie’s perfume is too smelly. Well, what now, right? Maybe plan B is to Photoshop your child into this year’s photo. Or, maybe the plan is to leave her out of the photo all together. Whatever, the plan is, make sure you have plenty of back up options available, just in case.
Play a Little Detective
Maybe you don’t even know what is wrong with your child right now. That’s okay too. This is when you get to play a little detective. It can be so difficult sometimes to dig to the bottom of a child’s meltdown situation. What feels like an appropriate response to your child, may look like a wild Mastodon roaming through Tiffany’s to us.
After we have calmed our kiddos, we can begin to piece together the mystery. You of course can try and ask your child what happened, but
quite often, they cannot put it into words. Sometimes they don’t fully know themselves. So most of the time, we are left digging into what was happening just before the meltdown for clues. A great start is to look into past traumas and possible sensory triggers.
Past Traumas
For our youngest son, the holidays don’t bring up warm fuzzies. They bring up rejection and disappointment. In his past life before joining our family, his Christmases were filled with uncertainty. Maybe his family would be there, but maybe they wouldn’t. The day might be filled with fun, or it could be filled with yelling and discord. We are fully aware that he carries these past hurts with him. These past hurts creep in in many ways.
Trauma Triggers
Sometimes he knows what is triggering his bad mood. During these times, he typically chooses not to participate in what we happen to be doing at the time. That’s okay. We give him this space, because this is our plan A. Sometimes his feelings come out unexpectedly, and we have to dig into what is causing them. That is when plan B or C comes into play.
Past traumas can be triggered by smells, sounds, or even just by the time of year. If your child doesn’t want to hug Uncle Joe right now, it could be that his aftershave is triggering unwanted memories. You can always talk with your child later, but let your child lead when you can.
Behavior Miscues
Sometimes the behavior you are seeing is a miscue. Miscues are behaviors that say one thing, but mean something completely different. For example, our daughter’s school was surprised to learn that she did not want to fold towels at school. They told us she was happy to do this task, and even acted excited about it. Actually, what she was displaying was a miscue. In her past life, she was forced to fold towels, and so rather than make her school angry and risk abuse, she pretended to love folding towels.
With miscues, you really need to know your child, know a little bit about their past traumas, and be able to read your child. While the school thought we had a really helpful daughter, we knew that this did not sound like the girl we know and love at all. These bits of colliding information allowed us to have a talk with our daughter. She admitted that she did not want to fold towels, and was afraid to say no. Bingo. Now we had an answer for why our daughter kept refusing to go to school.
While our story is not holiday related, you can apply the same principles to any situation, including the Christmas meltdown. The biggest clue into a miscue is to learn your child’s face. Quite often, your child will display a disconnect between what she is saying and what her face says. If we do not catch this, a meltdown can easily follow.
Walk with me back to that hug with Uncle Joe. Your child agrees to the hug, but her face doesn’t match. Speak up and let your child know that hugs are not necessary. You could even make up an excuse about flu season, and suggest a fist bump instead. At any rate, reading your child’s body language is a much better clue into her true feelings. It might just save you a meltdown.
Sensory Triggers
Christmas just might be the worst time of year for a child with sensory issues. All the things that I love so much about the holidays are also major sensory triggers, and they are literally everywhere. I completely understand why some families limit their outings during the holidays. My son used to have a meltdown just entering Walmart on a typical day. Holiday music would send him off the edge even sooner. To this day he doesn’t like to hear Christmas music.
The sensory issues are not just limited to those with SPD or Autism either. Our daughter has a seizure disorder, and so we have to be careful when we go to light displays, as some have strobe effects that could be troublesome for her. Although we cannot prevent all sensory input this time of year, there are things we can do to limit them.
Safe Words
Your child needs to be able to communicate an impending sensory overload before it strikes. To do this without making a scene, you might want to try a “safe word.” This is a word that would not typically come up in conversation that means, “I am on overload.”
Have a plan for what needs to happen when your child uses the word. Maybe it means grabbing a sensory toy, or maybe it means leaving the event altogether. That is for you and your child to determine and put in the plan.
Body Language
Even fun sensory input is still sensory input, right? It may be that your child is having so much fun that they cannot recognize they are about to explode. No safe word will help in this situation. Instead, you need to be mindful of your child’s body language and respond accordingly.
For example, you may be hearing your child giggling, but you may be also be seeing signs of distress. Is his laughter getting overly excited? Maybe you are noticing that your daughter is rocking back and forth more than usual. These are signs that the fun sensory input is about to become not fun sensory input, and you are in for trouble.
When you sees signs that your child is getting overstimulated, try suggesting things they can do that are a bit quieter. Now I know how hard it can be to remove a child from their fun. If not done right, this in itself can trigger a meltdown. Try suggesting a quick potty break, or ask them to come to you and show you what they are doing. This will allow them just a few minutes of down time to regroup, and may be all they need to soothe overstimulated nerves. Again, you know your child best, so use that knowledge to create a plan.
Be The Hands For Your Child
It is almost inevitable that your child will have at least one meltdown during the holiday season. I know I am not alone in this. As
embarrassing as that can be, we need to remember to “be the hands” for our children. Do you remember the song, “He’s Got The Whole World In His Hands?” Well its sort of like that. We need to hold our children in our hands and say, “I’ve got you.” Even if Great Aunt Hilda thinks you are being too soft and recommends a good spanking. Keep calm, let go of the critical comments, and “be the hands.”
Remove
Begin by removing your child, or if this is impractical, remove everyone else. As a last resort, try and shield the view. Let’s face it. Your child is never going to get calm if the sensory input gets even worse, right? Then begin by doing the best to remove unnecessary stimulation from your child’s immediate environment.
This of course will look very different for each child. When my youngest daughter begins to meltdown, I pick a quiet place and sit with her in my lap. I give her deep pressure hugs until she starts to calm down. For my oldest daughter who is almost as big as me, I help her to a safer, quieter place and let her go until she is done melting down. Your child will look much differently than mine. The important thing to remember is to remove as much input as possible.
Regroup
Once the meltdown is winding down, you can begin to help your child regroup. Bring on the sensory toys, the calming music, or anything that helps collect your child. There are even exercises your child can do to help with regrouping. One we use is the “pretzel.” With this one, the child twists themselves up like a pretzel tightly for a few seconds, and repeats this until they feel calm. Some kids enjoy deep breathing. This is something you will want to investigate with your child ahead of time and put in your plan.
For kiddos with trauma pasts, you may want to use this time to investigate some possible causes. Try asking your child what happened to them. This is an open ended question, and may provide them the invitation to share
something from their past that crept into their present.
Restore
Once you see that your child is calm, you can begin to reintroduce them to the situation that caused the meltdown. If during the meltdown they hurt someone or something else, have them work on repairing the relationship or damage they caused. Otherwise, let them reenter the situation as they feel comfortable.
Christine has created an amazing word families matching game for your children to get it click here
If Christmas isn’t joyous for your child, make sure you have a solid plan. The holidays should be wonderful for everyone, and with these tips they can be.
About the Author
Christine is a special needs mom of seven wonderful kiddos (three grown)
who love to be on the go. She enjoys travelling with her family and being
active. Being a homeschool mom, she is always on the lookout for an
opportunity to learn something new. She also loves helping other families
find easy solutions to the everyday such as parenting, saving money,
special needs, homeschooling, and travel tips. You can visit her at her
blog called, Life’s Special
Necessities.