The Worst Habits That Can Ruin Your Marriage

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Everyone longs for a successful marriage. If you’re miserable in your marriage, you’re more than likely going to be miserable in other aspects of life. I’ve never known anyone who said, “I’m miserable in my marriage, but my life is so great. I’m so happy.” Am I right?

I want you to be complete and fulfilled in your marriage because your quality of marriage determines your quality of life.

Ladies, we have to work to have the marriage that we desire. It’s not just going to accidentally happen.

This means lots of time in prayer, working on yourself, and learning from and fixing the mistakes that you make in your marriage.

Bad Marriage Mistakes

Since marriage is made of two flawed, sinful people, it’s no wonder it’s so tough. We mess up over and over again.

Unfortunately, the mistakes we make in our marriage can make it or break it if we don’t learn from them and fix it.

I’ve been happily married to my husband for 16 years. We haven’t always seen eye to eye. We’ve had disagreements and arguments, but for the most part we get along well and have always been best friends.

With that being said, most of the mistakes in the following list are mistakes we’ve made in our marriage. I’d like to say we’ve learned from them and now we’re both perfect spouses, but I can’t. I still make them at times and do a #facepalm when I wonder what is going on with my husband.

I also have to say that as you read this list DO NOT focus on your spouse and the mistakes he is making. The only person you can change is you.

So, if you long for a marriage that’s everything you want, make sure you arent’ making these bad habits that sabotage every marriage.

Worst Marriage Habits to Avoid

Not Putting Your Spouse First

There is a particular order in our family that God designed. God first, spouse second, kids third, then comes extended family and friends. Work and play and everything else in our life comes way last.

As a mother, I know that it’s hard to put your husband before your kids sometimes. Your kids are completely dependent upon you if they’re young and we can get caught up in caring for them.

Your kids need to know that you love them, but also love each other. This grows their sense of security. When your marriage breaks down the kids are the ones who have the most to lose and they inherently know this.

And one of these days our kids are going to leave and the one that’s going to be left is our husband.

Work now to make things right between you and make putting your spouse first a habit of yours to have something to build on in the years to come.

The same goes for putting family, friends, work, and anything else before your spouse.

Not Praying for Your Marriage

The power of prayer is often underestimated. If there are things in your marriage that need to be changed, turn to prayer. If there is something your spouse struggles with, turn to prayer. Is there something you struggle with in your marriage? Turn to prayer.

Christ has the power to make all things new again, even your marriage. Do you have trouble knowing what to pray for? Start with praying for your husband. Here are 31 prayers to pray for your husband if you need some help getting started.

Having Close Friends of the Opposite Sex

A married person should be very careful of having friends of the opposite sex. By saying this I’m not saying we should forsake these friendships. But if we have friends of the opposite sex they shouldn’t be close friendships.

You shouldn’t be spending time alone with this person, your husband should be completely comfortable with you having this relationship, and there should be boundaries that you and your spouse have previously talked about.

If there is anything that makes your husband uncomfortable about your relationship, since you should be putting him first, that’s a deal breaker. End the relationship.

If ending the friendship is a problem with you, guess what? There’s probably a problem with this friendship and your spouse is right.

If the other person is a coworker and you can’t just cut them out, talk this over with your spouse and set boundaries that you’re both comfortable with.

Putting Sex on the Back Burner

We get so busy with life, by the time we slip into bed at night we’re exhausted and too tired for this. But sex is a very important part of marriage.

This is a relationship your spouse can’t have with anyone else in their life. This is huge and a big responsibility. It shouldn’t be taken lightly.

I understand that there are seasons in life that change this. Having a baby or illness being great examples.

But, we have to prioritize it. You know, set aside time for it. I know, this may not seem romantic and spontaneous, but, you know, sometimes you just have to be practical.

Here are some ways to prioritize sex…

Decide that morning that you’re going to make time at the end of the day for it. Schedule it in.
Send flirty texts to each other throughout the day
Send the kids to bed early
Set up a babysitter or send the kids to friends houses
Turn off the T.V. and phones
You two go to bed early

Not Being Supportive of Your Husband

We all need to be supported and encouraged in our endeavors. We need to know that we have our spouse’s full confidence in what we’re doing.

When our spouse backs us and stands behind us it makes our job much easier. It makes those days when we feel like we just can’t do it anymore seem bearable. Your husband is no different. He needs your approval and your confidence.

This is something my husband has said to me many times. When I show my support for him, no matter if the decision was wrong, he feels all the better knowing that I stand behind him.

Ladies, two things that will draw your husband more fully to you are your support and your approval.

Now, if your spouse is in sin, this is when you should withdraw all support.

Not Showing Affection

Life gets crazy and hectic sometimes and this is another need that gets overlooked in our busyness.

We come and we go and if you forget to take the time to look your spouse in the eye and say a loving word or forget to take the time to hug and kiss, this is a mistake.

Take the time to show your husband affection and how much you love him. Your husband may have a tough exterior, but he’s not that tough on the inside.

I’ve said before that this is easier for my husband than me. I have to actively remind myself to do this.

Easy ways to show affection…

Greet your spouse with a smile, “Hello”, and a hug and kiss when they come home from work.
A casual touch here and there throughout the day
A kiss for no reason
A short shoulder rub
A hug
A slap on the butt to get a little flirty

Not Meeting Your Spouse’s Needs

Ladies, you need to know what your man needs. (We all know what that is, women need some help remembering it sometimes 😉 But really, aside from sex there are other things he needs. Men are pretty simple, but not that simple.

If we don’t meet the needs of our spouse they’re going to get them met somewhere else. Whether it’s at work, with friends, or in another relationship. We all need our needs met- physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

Do you know what your spouse’s needs are? Shaunti Feldhahn lays it out for us in her books For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men and For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men. I highly, highly recommend these books. Actually, get one for you and one for your husband.

Men and women are created completely different and what floats our boats may not float our spouses, you know.

Learn what food your husband needs from you. Are you giving your husband butterfly food? You have to read this post to know what I’m talking about.

Another book I highly suggest for learning what your spouse needs is The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Trust me, this book will change how you love your husband and view love altogether.

Tearing Each Other Down

Do you get angry and say hateful things to your spouse to tear them down? Do you run your husband down to your girl friends, family, or coworkers?

Make a habit, starting now, to stop tearing your spouse down to anyone. Your friends and family want the best for you, but they didn’t stand before God and promise to love through sickness and health, for richer or poorer. If they only hear the worst of your husband and relationship they’re going to be advising you to leave.

If you want to vent to someone, vent with respect to your husband. Or the two of you can go to marriage counseling or see your pastor and talk your frustrations out there if you need someone else to bounce things off of. Regardless, talk to someone who wants the best for your marriage.

Do your best to speak highly of your spouse in front of people. Get a bonus for doing it when your spouse can hear you! Be genuine about it though.

I read in a marriage book years ago to try not to say the word “you” in an argument.

This would be like, “you always” or “you never” or “why do you”. Of course, I don’t always follow this advice, but I do try to find a different way to phrase some of my complaints to sound more loving and respectful.

Try to configure your complaints in a way that won’t turn your spouse’s heart away from you before you even begin your argument.

And always adhere to this old saying, “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.”

Inviting Others Into the Relationship

Genesis 3:24 says,”for this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife…”

There’s no room in your marriage for your parents, siblings, friends, or anyone else.

This means you don’t run and tell your sister everytime you have a fight. You don’t tattle on your spouse to your parents when he/she spent money you didn’t have to spend. You don’t run your spouse down of any sorts to your friends.

Here’s why- In most cases, blood is thicker than water.

Your parents and family are more than likely always and forever going to be on their little princess’ side.

Your sweet mother-in-law is always and forever going to have her baby boy’s back.

I’ve known couples whose parents have been enmeshed in their relationship and I’ve never known a relationship to work out this way.

Inviting parents or anyone else in your relationship will only cause a rift between the two of you. Keep your marriage business your own and don’t invite anyone into it.

This is something neither of us has had a problem with, thankfully. We’ve always put up healthy boundaries in our relationship to keep it private.

It wouldn’t be fair to my husband to run to my mama about all his shortcomings knowing she would take my side come hell or high water.

And I wouldn’t be none to happy if I knew he was running to his mama with complaints about me. Would you?

Having Unrealistic Expectations

If you’ve never been married you don’t know what to expect. You’ve read the fairy tales and expect your husband to be Prince Charming and your marriage to be what dreams are made of.

This can be true, your marriage can be dreamy, although much work is needed for this to happen. And the marriage of your dreams usually isn’t exactly as your dreamed it.

We have to remember not to have UNREALISTIC expectations of our spouse and our marriage. Have expectations, yes. But, make sure they’re within the ability of your spouse to meet those expectations.

A question to ask yourself is, does your expectations of your spouse line up with your every day life and with your spouse’s personality?

Men, if your expectation of your wife is sex every night, but in reality she’s wrangling 5 little kids throughout the day, you may need to adjust your expectations.

Ladies, if your expectation is to cuddle on the couch every evening and watch a chick flick, but your husband works 12-16 hour days, you may need to adjust your expectations just a little.

Dodging Much Needed Conversations

I’ve made this mistake too many times over the years. I’m a closed person and have trouble voicing my feelings and opinions.

But, as I get older and more secure in myself and my marriage, I’m telling my husband things I probably should have told him years ago.

If there is something that needs to be talked about, talk about it. Don’t dodge it because it will cause strain or cause one of you to feel uncomfortable.

The more you open up and talk these things out the stronger your marriage will become.

Do you feel like your husband can’t handle what you have to say? Maybe not. Maybe you need to go visit a Christian marriage counselor or your pastor to say it, but don’t let it go unsaid.

Not Putting Christ at the Center of Your Marriage

I’m writing this last, but certainly not least. This mistake can be the greatest mistake you can make.

By putting God at the center of your marriage, your marriage and relationship is no longer about you and your wants and needs. They become about God and what he expects from you in your relationship.

It’s no longer about how do I feel about how I treated my husband today? or did I show my wife that I loved her today?

It becomes how does God feel about the way I treated my husband today? and did I honor Christ in loving my wife today?

God is love (1 John 4:8) so he is the one who enables us to love our spouse the way they need to be loved- as God loves us.

As I close this out, check out this graphic below that our pastor drew for us during our pre-marital counseling years ago. This shows how we grow closer to each other as we grow closer to God.

Tell me what your thoughts are. What are some mistakes that you’ve made in your marriage that you should have changed or did change to make it better?